blergh

it’s a bit hard to believe that 9 months have passed since i first left california. i keep getting asked if i’m excited to leave. no. no i’m not at all excited, but at the same time i’m excited to be home. i don’t like this tug and pull stuff. i realize that no matter where i am in the world i will always be missing somewhere else. and no matter the friends i have around me i will be missing friends somewhere else.

the thing i’ve come to fall in love with about this place is that i feel more here. i have moments of pure joy where i just start giggling at how groovy life is. i also have moments of deep sadness.

yesterday i helped dig a grave that was entirely to small. and shortly after the grave was finished we laid a coffin in the grave that was entirely to small. a 3 ½ by 2 ft. grave a bit deeper than the hight of my knee was enough to contain the remains of this little child. this little girl lived a short 5 months and the majority of that time was spent in a hospital fighting to stay alive. so today isn’t the most joyful day, but life is vivid today. life has been pretty vivid for the past 9 months, and i think that is what i really want to take away from this place. i don’t want to become numb again. i want life to stay vivid and beautiful, and i want to continue to feel. that means feeling sorrow, feeling joy and everything in-between.

the other day i was moving out of my house. this little house means a lot to me. it’s the house that has sheltered me during these 9 transformational months. the house was nearly empty and looked different than it ever had before. i was packing up my books and kind of remembering them all and the places they have taken me, and the characters who have changed me, and the wisdom that has guided me. and i began thinking about who i was and who i’ve become.

a friend of mine sent me an email. we both have had pretty transformational years and she was telling me how she doesn’t know me anymore. (this is a good thing) she doesn’t really know me and i don’t really know her anymore because the people god has been changing us into are different from the people we were when we left. i assure you i am still me, it’s just that this me is different than me has ever been. at least i hope it is. i mean that was part of the point. to leave and then come back different. so i hope you wont know me anymore. i am me, i just hope that you (my friends, family, so on and so forth) will notice that some of the rubbish has been burnt away.

 

 

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